I can't sleep.

Recently my mind's been filled with so many thoughts I just can't sleep.

Yet these thoughts aren't actually bothering me in any way, but it's me...thinking.

Feeling.

I feel like I've come a long way since September.

Ever since I swore to myself to grow into a healthier person.

It's amazing how many things can change once you start to feel yourself more and more.

And now, not love yourself on a physical level but on an emotional level.

I think it's hard for a lot of people to come to the consent that...we're just human.

When we feel a certain way, there really doesn't have to be a reason to it and,

Neither must there be a cause, or someone to blame, not even yourself.

People are always, always. Trying to explain their feelings with something concrete. Because this way, it makes yourself feel at ease. That if someone asks why, you would know how to answer.

I grew up as a kid who was always asking. Why? To many things. Yes, some worldly things, do have a reason to them. But when it comes to feelings, I feel that a simple explanation can't actually represent the entire bulk of your emotions.

Our feelings are so complex, even the current dictionary can't define to the point our reactions, our mood. We can try to find answers, but are we always satisfied with the answer? Do we end up searching deeper?

I find that life is much easier when you stop searching for that answer. And eventually, that answer will find you. When one searches too deep for something, it's easy to lose sight of it and then be lost in the darkness.

Nowadays, instead of finding answers I choose acceptance. To be accepting of how I feel, my emotions. And from there, I then choose whether I want to do something about it. Not every acceptance requires an action.

I have to say that once I started to think this way more my life has start to feel more carefree, I don't feel bounded by chains of my emotions unlike how I used to be in the past.

There's no need for me to feel guilty, for guilt-trip others for how I feel. But if I'm feel sad, then I want to think of happy things. Say happy stuff. I don't want to add on to my sad thoughts because I won't be going anywhere that way.

Life doesn't have to be so confusing.

Just like I once said, I cannot say that I hate my life.

I can only say that I love it so much that I fear wasting it on things that were never meant to be.

Negative emotions, although it's good to feel once in a while, were never meant to overwhelm you, take away your happiness.

My life is not meant to be that way.

And neither should yours.

Start thinking on the bright side, good memories, good moments, things that make you happy.

And also,

Don't forget to smile.

-Yumi.

I'm not even sure how I should start this

but recently there's been an outburst of tears within the group of my friends I hang out with the most

And it's over a disbandment of a band.

I know that it might seem stupid at first to a lot of people

like,

"What the fuck? Why are you even crying over people who probably don't know you" or

the likes of it

I'm sure those who are into fandoms as well will understand.

It's just that,

maybe,

maybe,

this might be a little different, in a sense.

I don't know how to talk about it from my friend's POV,

I'm not even sure if she would read this,

but if you're reading this, I just want to let you know that

It's okay to be sad.

It's okay to be in desperation, for the fear of never seeing him again.

But it's not okay, I repeat it's not okay

To let this sadness and desperation take over everything else in your life.

...

...

...

Back in February, when DILIAL first announced that there was going to be an announcement on 1st March

I was anxious

For some reason I literally had no hope that it would be something good

Though everyone and myself tried telling me so

and when the announcement came,

I broke down.

It's been awhile, but I remember I was reading it in my room, and, although I tried so hard not to cry

I just cried and cried and couldn't stop crying.

During that time, nothing much passed through my mind except for one thought:

"I'm sorry that you have to disband."

I know that a lot of times many people's thoughts revolve around

"Why must you disband?" "Don't do this to me" "This is all my fault" "I'm never going to see them again"

There's alot of things in life that we're not in control of.

In my opinion, if all bands had a choice to never disband, they would never want to disband in the first place.

But out there, society's such a hard place to survive in. Everyone's striving hard to beat one another. If you fall behind, you're out.

It's hard.

But, you know? Either way, let's give thanks.

Thank you for working so hard for us.

Thank you for giving us such wonderful music.

Thank you for always delivering your best at lives.

Even if they're gone,

They're technically still there. They're not completely gone, because their music stays with us.

The feelings, emotions they wanted to convey, everything they wanted us to know,

It's safe with us.

And with that, I feel like I can move on.

And with that, I feel like I can let myself, let them move on as well.

But things aren't just as simple as that sometimes.

Maybe, sometimes, it involves someone whom you really,

truly,

deeply,

love.

I can't deny.

Till today the thought of never meeting him again haunts me.

The fear that I'll never see him live again, the fear that he'll suddenly just, disappear from my life.

At some times I really can't take it as well.

But, hey.

If you keep believing in something, one day it will come true.

No matter how long it takes.

Even if I may never meet him again.

I am thankful that he was part of my life,

that he taught me so many things,

but most importantly he taught me how to love.

In life, there's many ups

as much as there are many downs.

But sometimes, the "downs" are just there to remind us to appreciate the "ups".

I can't deny sadness or pain that it brings,

but at least I can be grateful at the same time.

And with that, it gives me the courage to continue walking on.

Do you believe in him?

Believe that he will continue to fight for his happiness?

If you believe in it, then maybe you should continue to fight for your own as well.




-Yumi.