Recently everything has been coming at me, one big blow after another. My heart feels overwhelmed, I don’t know what to think.

 I try to find my answer, but it’s like searching for a needle in a deepest depths of the ocean floor. I don’t even know where to start. When things happen, I somehow always always have that magical ability to link it all back to me. In the end, everything is always my fault. And I feel so guilty about it, so guilty that I feel that I should just abandon everything cry in one corner and let someone take over what I’m doing because I’m sure they can do it much better than the loser I am can do it. It’s probably the same reason why I’ve never affiliated myself to the likes of a leader, because I’m always sure that whatever I do ends up in failure. No matter how hard I try. It’s what society taught me. That no matter how much I dream, nothing I dream will come to life. I’m just living an empty shell of a stupid imagination in my head.

Tomorrow’s my exam. Why do I have exams? Why do I even attend school? School doesn’t nurture me to be the person I want to be. It doesn’t make me happy the way that I want to really live my life. But who will listen? Who will care? I’m just another person in a crowd of people. One of the crowd. I am nothing. Was nothing, still nothing. No one will ever care how I feel. In the end I will just be forced to comply with everything society wants me to be again. Because I’m simply just another person without a proper “dream”.

We’re having problems with our event. I’m constantly stressed over it because it is our event and I hate to see it fall apart. What stresses me the most is how everyone else could be so calm about it, how they can’t feel the anxiety unlike me. Then I realize that it’s all my doing, all my fault for putting unrealistic, idealistic expectations on them. Realizing that they have more of a life than I do, and that their priorities will never be similar to mine because they have a life to live and I don’t.

Then I realize I put inhumanely high expectations on myself as well, breaking down whenever I can’t meet them. But what pains me the most is when I do something and no one ever appreciates it. It’s a neverending cycle since young, always that same fear that I’m never appreciated. What is my existence? I’m not important to everyone. Everyone always has that someone special, that very very best friend in their life. I am no one’s. I’m always just there as some filler character, smile a bit, bring them happiness once in a while, but after a long time, I just disappear. They walk out without even caring. All those people I trusted, one by one all walked out of my lives. I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of ever loving more people. I’m so afraid of opening up. Everytime I did, people walked away. They hate how I really am. They don’t know how to love this monster inside me.

I don’t blame. I never blamed them. I always blame myself. Because I think I’m a monster myself. I keep trying to dig deeper, try to understand the purpose of my sole existence, but I find nothing, no matter how hard I try to search. What scares me is that maybe there is no answer to begin with, that there is no purpose in my life. That all there is to my life is to rot away doing nothing at all. But I just keep trying. Trying to prove it wrong because I must mean something. I believe that I mean something. But day by day everything keeps proving me wrong.

I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m just crying, crying internally, crying physically, crying emotionally, crying mentally. I know crying won’t help but I just can’t help but cry because I know.

I know that whatever I do, nothing will ever change.

I shouldn't have had to come back here.

I really, REALLY shouldn't.

But why do I always find myself back here now and then?

Why can't I just live a normal life?

Need to stop being so frustrated.

But I am.

Victimizing myself?

Really?

I won't say I'm entirely right.

Yes of course I myself haven't been good one way or another.

But it's as plain as day that no one has been touching anything ever since I stopped.

So what?

Does that mean it's because I STOPPED so everyone can't work as well?

What the hell.




-Yumi.