I'm afraid.
I don't know why, but I just am.
The smell of independence suddenly feels so scary to me.
Maybe it's because I'll be far away from home.
Maybe it's because I won't have everything I have here with me there.
I'm scared.
Yet I know, I made my decision knowing that things would be scary alone.
Why do I doubt myself now?
Is it because of daily discouragement?
Attachment?
I don't know.
But I want to be scared.
Scared of doing things.
Then I'll challenge myself to overcome those fears.
There's going to be one day where I have to not be scared of certain things and take charge, make decisions,
Live my life.
It's alot of things that, I know I have the capability. But am I really using it to full use?
I'm scared.
But it's okay.
My fear will bring me to greater heights.
-Yumi.
I can't sleep.
Recently my mind's been filled with so many thoughts I just can't sleep.
Yet these thoughts aren't actually bothering me in any way, but it's me...thinking.
Feeling.
I feel like I've come a long way since September.
Ever since I swore to myself to grow into a healthier person.
It's amazing how many things can change once you start to feel yourself more and more.
And now, not love yourself on a physical level but on an emotional level.
I think it's hard for a lot of people to come to the consent that...we're just human.
When we feel a certain way, there really doesn't have to be a reason to it and,
Neither must there be a cause, or someone to blame, not even yourself.
People are always, always. Trying to explain their feelings with something concrete. Because this way, it makes yourself feel at ease. That if someone asks why, you would know how to answer.
I grew up as a kid who was always asking. Why? To many things. Yes, some worldly things, do have a reason to them. But when it comes to feelings, I feel that a simple explanation can't actually represent the entire bulk of your emotions.
Our feelings are so complex, even the current dictionary can't define to the point our reactions, our mood. We can try to find answers, but are we always satisfied with the answer? Do we end up searching deeper?
I find that life is much easier when you stop searching for that answer. And eventually, that answer will find you. When one searches too deep for something, it's easy to lose sight of it and then be lost in the darkness.
Nowadays, instead of finding answers I choose acceptance. To be accepting of how I feel, my emotions. And from there, I then choose whether I want to do something about it. Not every acceptance requires an action.
I have to say that once I started to think this way more my life has start to feel more carefree, I don't feel bounded by chains of my emotions unlike how I used to be in the past.
There's no need for me to feel guilty, for guilt-trip others for how I feel. But if I'm feel sad, then I want to think of happy things. Say happy stuff. I don't want to add on to my sad thoughts because I won't be going anywhere that way.
Life doesn't have to be so confusing.
Just like I once said, I cannot say that I hate my life.
I can only say that I love it so much that I fear wasting it on things that were never meant to be.
Negative emotions, although it's good to feel once in a while, were never meant to overwhelm you, take away your happiness.
My life is not meant to be that way.
And neither should yours.
Start thinking on the bright side, good memories, good moments, things that make you happy.
And also,
Don't forget to smile.
-Yumi.